[ if he had more memories of his past, perhaps he would have been able to focus on them more and shut out the panic that has been pressed in on him - but the details are far too vivid, and his mind is stuck playing the scenes out in an endless loop. add's presence breaks that repetition somewhat, though. simple questions and words like these are easier for him to understand, to give him a guide away from focusing solely on the darkness within. but, how to answer?
he tries to grasp at the splintered scenes, drawing words from them like thread ]
I wasn't alone... there were people. I... don't know who. [ but they were kind, even if he can't see their faces ] They were going, somewhere to fight. Demons. A lot of demons.
[ a tower, a dark sky. so much pain, like hands tearing into his body. his grip on add's hand tightens, but not by much. ]
I was there to. Look for something. Someone. The Goddess would heal me with her light, if only.... if only I could reach her. [ he doesn't remember how he went back to those people who were with him at the beginning. maybe he didn't at all. it would fit the explanation... he didn't think he would be able to move in that state, from seeing add paralyzed with fear ] I couldn't. I called and called, but she didn't answer at all....
[ and for some reason, he feels like maybe, he should've seen it coming from a long way away. how could a failure like him ever be good for anything? if he can't do even his job, then he's just as w̬͘o̥r̵͇͉̱t̝͝h̨̩l҉̭̲͉̝͙̬e̥s͘s͏̭͚ as the nasods... ]
............................ then the void consumed everything.
[ he's quiet now, the emotion subsiding somewhat, as his thoughts turn toward the darkness around them and the numbing feeling that it gives ]
[Ain's description... doesn't tell him much, actually. Well, he can guess who the people are that were with him, and if he was there to pray for the goddess' help it must've been a place with religious significance. One of the temples? They ended up going to a few different ones in the group's travels, assuming the El Search Party went on a similar journey in this Ain's timeline...]
Do you remember what that place looked like? [in the end it's a minor detail, but it might be important later. figuring out which temple it was should be easy if he can get some identifying features.
As for the rest... he's never been a very religious person, despite currently being a god, so it's a bit hard for him to relate. It sounds like something happened before this point in time that caused Ain to become corrupt by Henir's power somehow, and obviously the priest turned to his religion to help him. He's not surprised such a thing didn't work. If Ishmael wouldn't step in and save the world after the El was destroyed, why would she save one priest?]
You shouldn't rely on gods for everything. If you want something done, you have to do it with your own hands. [... which, again, probably doesn't make much sense coming from a god, but he's still thinking of himself as a human.] You made a naïve mistake. But now you know better.
[ there's a pause as he rewinds his memories, tries to sieve out any mention of names. for some reason, the faces of his companions were blanked out, obscured by some sort of light. ]
Feita. I think.... the name. Someone said it.
[ though, what add says next splinters the composure that he had slowly pieced together. he shakes his head just once, giving add an accusing stare - as the force of probably five hundred years of righteous fury slams into him like a thunderbolt. ]
You don't understand! She's not just 'a god'. She's important to me. She's the reason I lived.
[ and maybe, somewhere in that torrent of anger, are slivers of emotions that might have described a mother or a mentor. ]
........ it doesn't matter anymore, does it?
[ ain looks down, and the burst of emotions from him is extinguished as swiftly as it appears, leaving a deadened silence behind. ]
[Feita. That gives him a place and a timeframe. He nods, filing that information away in the back of his mind.
The outburst catches him off guard. Their emotional link is getting a hell of a lot more use today, that's for sure—though Add's only reaction is to raise an eyebrow curiously at the unexpected response. It's good to know that Ain is capable of this much emotion, even if the void's influence suppresses so much of it. Perhaps this is a sign that the effects of the corruption aren't wholly irreversible.
But that's something he can look into another time.
He's not overly fond of the concept of gods and goddesses, but... it's not something he can rule out completely, given his experiences here as well as in Elrios. He sighs again, running a hand through his hair.]
Gods aren't as all-powerful as humans believe them to be. Just look at any of the gods here, even the natives of this world can't solve the problems of mortals flawlessly. I think the same applies to any world's gods.
Just because this goddess didn't answer you, it doesn't mean she doesn't exist or ignored you or you did it wrong or whatever. There are dozens of possible reasons for why she wouldn't have answered you back then. Maybe it was outside of her control. You have to consider all possibilities.
[ if add expected his words to incite more of an emotional response in ain, then he would be somewhat disappointed. their link returns to its usual empty state, leaving add to guess at how his shinki feels - if he even feels, now.
still, there's something inside him that tells him it's not all that add thinks it is. a word on the tip of his tongue; if only he could give it form, then maybe they could come to a better understanding. though, the emotions that the memory had kindled are mostly spent by now. what add tells him falls in line with what he thinks he concluded after that episode - that it all meant nothing in the end. why would he bother?
ain doesn't reply immediately. he withdraws his hand, tucks his arms close to himself. ]
It's over. Doesn't matter....
[ i.e. he doesn't care anymore, etc. or shouldn't, given how he's been consumed by the void completely. having emotions is so exhausting, maybe it's better to just let it go.
[Add finds he's reluctant to let go, his hand still outstretched for a long time after Ain slips out of his hold. It's over. It happened a long time ago, in another world, another time. The past isn't something that should be changed.
If he could change it, though...
His arm falls back to his side, gaze wandering towards the shimmering barrier and the soft glow of the core beyond. Ain makes it seem so easy to just let go of things, and in a way, he gets it. He remembers what it was like when he was filled with the void, the uncomfortable process of remembering everything and regaining the ability to regret his mistakes. How badly he wanted to go back to feeling empty inside.]
... Everything matters. Even if you can't change it, it's still something that shaped who you are.
[ is the first thing that comes to mind. it means nothing, because it's in the past. no matter what they do, it can't be changed. that's what people want, isn't it? for him to be changed. he is what they fear at the end of daylight, the end of everything. that can't be changed...
... that's something about human nature that he doesn't know yet, he thinks. so he will wait, to see if add explains it; darkened eyes watching. ]
People aren't static entities. Everything that happens to you, every choice you make, it defines who you are and changes the person you become. There are infinite timelines with billions of copies of you in them, but you're the only one that has your unique experiences. It doesn't matter if they're good or bad, or if you remember them or not, they still shaped you into the person you are today.
That's why it matters.
[There's certainty in his voice, like this is something he's thought long and hard about in the past. Being so well-versed in timetravel helps to put some things in perspective. Even the parts of his life that he despises and regrets, if he removed them then he'd certainly become a different person as a result. He used to think of that as a good thing, but...]
If no one experienced hardships... perhaps they'd become selfish or ungrateful. They wouldn't be able to appreciate the value of what they have.
[ he's able to accept this, somehow - even if he knows he doesn't really have a reason to agree, there's a feeling at the back of his mind that it seems right. it would seem right, because maybe, in some other world, he was not like this. but then, what kind of person would they be?
he holds out a hand in front of him, a black prism floating above his palm before it silently shatters into small crystalline fragments and fades away ]
I felt a lot of pain.
[ he had, once. he doesn't feel it now, but he remembers how it felt like. ]
I don't want that... to happen to other people who don't deserve it.
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thefarshore
no subject
he tries to grasp at the splintered scenes, drawing words from them like thread ]
I wasn't alone... there were people. I... don't know who. [ but they were kind, even if he can't see their faces ] They were going, somewhere to fight. Demons. A lot of demons.
[ a tower, a dark sky. so much pain, like hands tearing into his body. his grip on add's hand tightens, but not by much. ]
I was there to. Look for something. Someone. The Goddess would heal me with her light, if only.... if only I could reach her. [ he doesn't remember how he went back to those people who were with him at the beginning. maybe he didn't at all. it would fit the explanation... he didn't think he would be able to move in that state, from seeing add paralyzed with fear ] I couldn't. I called and called, but she didn't answer at all....
[ and for some reason, he feels like maybe, he should've seen it coming from a long way away. how could a failure like him ever be good for anything? if he can't do even his job, then he's just as w̬͘o̥r̵͇͉̱t̝͝h̨̩l҉̭̲͉̝͙̬e̥s͘s͏̭͚ as the nasods... ]
............................ then the void consumed everything.
[ he's quiet now, the emotion subsiding somewhat, as his thoughts turn toward the darkness around them and the numbing feeling that it gives ]
no subject
Do you remember what that place looked like? [in the end it's a minor detail, but it might be important later. figuring out which temple it was should be easy if he can get some identifying features.
As for the rest... he's never been a very religious person, despite currently being a god, so it's a bit hard for him to relate. It sounds like something happened before this point in time that caused Ain to become corrupt by Henir's power somehow, and obviously the priest turned to his religion to help him. He's not surprised such a thing didn't work. If Ishmael wouldn't step in and save the world after the El was destroyed, why would she save one priest?]
You shouldn't rely on gods for everything. If you want something done, you have to do it with your own hands. [... which, again, probably doesn't make much sense coming from a god, but he's still thinking of himself as a human.] You made a naïve mistake. But now you know better.
no subject
Feita. I think.... the name. Someone said it.
[ though, what add says next splinters the composure that he had slowly pieced together. he shakes his head just once, giving add an accusing stare - as the force of probably five hundred years of righteous fury slams into him like a thunderbolt. ]
You don't understand! She's not just 'a god'. She's important to me. She's the reason I lived.
[ and maybe, somewhere in that torrent of anger, are slivers of emotions that might have described a mother or a mentor. ]
........ it doesn't matter anymore, does it?
[ ain looks down, and the burst of emotions from him is extinguished as swiftly as it appears, leaving a deadened silence behind. ]
no subject
The outburst catches him off guard. Their emotional link is getting a hell of a lot more use today, that's for sure—though Add's only reaction is to raise an eyebrow curiously at the unexpected response. It's good to know that Ain is capable of this much emotion, even if the void's influence suppresses so much of it. Perhaps this is a sign that the effects of the corruption aren't wholly irreversible.
But that's something he can look into another time.
He's not overly fond of the concept of gods and goddesses, but... it's not something he can rule out completely, given his experiences here as well as in Elrios. He sighs again, running a hand through his hair.]
Gods aren't as all-powerful as humans believe them to be. Just look at any of the gods here, even the natives of this world can't solve the problems of mortals flawlessly. I think the same applies to any world's gods.
Just because this goddess didn't answer you, it doesn't mean she doesn't exist or ignored you or you did it wrong or whatever. There are dozens of possible reasons for why she wouldn't have answered you back then. Maybe it was outside of her control. You have to consider all possibilities.
no subject
still, there's something inside him that tells him it's not all that add thinks it is. a word on the tip of his tongue; if only he could give it form, then maybe they could come to a better understanding. though, the emotions that the memory had kindled are mostly spent by now. what add tells him falls in line with what he thinks he concluded after that episode - that it all meant nothing in the end. why would he bother?
ain doesn't reply immediately. he withdraws his hand, tucks his arms close to himself. ]
It's over. Doesn't matter....
[ i.e. he doesn't care anymore, etc. or shouldn't, given how he's been consumed by the void completely. having emotions is so exhausting, maybe it's better to just let it go.
remembering things was a mistake ]
no subject
If he could change it, though...
His arm falls back to his side, gaze wandering towards the shimmering barrier and the soft glow of the core beyond. Ain makes it seem so easy to just let go of things, and in a way, he gets it. He remembers what it was like when he was filled with the void, the uncomfortable process of remembering everything and regaining the ability to regret his mistakes. How badly he wanted to go back to feeling empty inside.]
... Everything matters. Even if you can't change it, it's still something that shaped who you are.
no subject
[ is the first thing that comes to mind. it means nothing, because it's in the past. no matter what they do, it can't be changed. that's what people want, isn't it? for him to be changed. he is what they fear at the end of daylight, the end of everything. that can't be changed...
... that's something about human nature that he doesn't know yet, he thinks. so he will wait, to see if add explains it; darkened eyes watching. ]
no subject
That's why it matters.
[There's certainty in his voice, like this is something he's thought long and hard about in the past. Being so well-versed in timetravel helps to put some things in perspective. Even the parts of his life that he despises and regrets, if he removed them then he'd certainly become a different person as a result. He used to think of that as a good thing, but...]
If no one experienced hardships... perhaps they'd become selfish or ungrateful. They wouldn't be able to appreciate the value of what they have.
no subject
he holds out a hand in front of him, a black prism floating above his palm before it silently shatters into small crystalline fragments and fades away ]
I felt a lot of pain.
[ he had, once. he doesn't feel it now, but he remembers how it felt like. ]
I don't want that... to happen to other people who don't deserve it.